MARRIAGE, LOVE, AND RELATIONSHIPS: AN AFRICAN PERSPECTIVE ROOTED IN WISDOM AND VALUES
In today’s world, social media has become a marketplace for every voice—loud or quiet, wise or foolish, experienced or inexperienced. Unfortunately, some of the loudest voices on platforms like Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok are those who are least qualified to advise others on delicate matters of family, love, and marriage. Popularity on social media does not equate to moral credibility. A person may have followers, but that does not mean they possess the wisdom, patience, or experience needed to guide others in matters of the heart.
As Africans, our heritage teaches us that marriage and family are sacred. They require wisdom, emotional maturity, patience, tolerance, and moral discipline. These are not skills picked up from likes and comments—they are values nurtured over time through community living, cultural training, and elder guidance.
The Toxicity of Unguided Advice
Some relationship advice trending online today is among the most toxic messages one could ever hear. Much of it comes from individuals speaking out of hurt, bitterness, and immaturity rather than love, healing, and understanding. If such advice were followed, very few relationships would survive.
If I had the power, I would ban all unguided relationship and marriage advice from social media until those giving it are certified by competent authorities. Why? Because many of these so-called advisors are sowing division, spreading hate speeches, and destroying the fragile fabric of family life. They encourage impatience, pride, and intolerance—values completely opposed to African traditions of love, forgiveness, and unity.
Instead of fueling confusion in homes, social platforms should prioritize conversations on nation building, education, African unity, morality among youth, spirituality, business, truth, and honesty.
The African Test of Maturity
In Africa, our elders have always taught: “Anyone who is not patient enough to tolerate nonsense is not ready for love.”
This is the true test of maturity. If you think your partner is perfect—holy, pure, or faultless—you are not ready for marriage. If you cannot control your temper when provoked or resist retaliation when hurt, you are still emotionally immature. Relationship and marriage are not about age, education, wealth, or beauty. They are about character, discipline, and patience.
Our parents, our culture, and even our sacred texts emphasize tolerance and forgiveness. Sadly, today’s generation is being misled into thinking that relationships must be free of struggles, inconveniences, or mistakes. But marriage, in its deepest sense, is a school of forgiveness.
The Real Causes of Broken Relationships
After over 28 years of professional counseling—guiding more than 4,000 couples—I have come to one conclusion: broken relationships often stem from just three root causes:
1. Money – lack of it or poor management of it.
2. Power – the struggle for control in the relationship.
3. Sex – lack of sexual compatibility or fulfillment.
Every other issue—be it violence, unfaithfulness, or neglect—is usually a product of these three.
Three Pillars of a Successful Relationship
For relationships to survive, three pillars are essential:
1. Communication – transparency, honesty, and sincerity. Hide nothing from your partner. Be open about your past, present, and future.
2. Concentration – focus on your relationship, not others. Stop comparing your partner to someone else. With time, patience, and attention, your partner will grow into what you desire.
3. Consecration – build on godly and moral values: patience, forgiveness, truth, and tolerance. Without these, no relationship will stand.
Marriage is not about instant understanding—it takes at least 15 years of living together before partners begin to truly understand each other. Those who rush to leave will face the same challenges again in their next relationship.
The True Meaning of Love
Modern culture has confused love with temporary emotions. Many people mistake attraction, excitement, or infatuation for love. But love is not a feeling—it is a decision.
Feelings are circumstantial: they rise and fall with emotions like anger, joy, or anxiety. Decisions, however, are rational and enduring. A person who marries based on feelings will likely abandon the union when circumstances change. But one who decides with understanding will stand firm, through better or worse.
It is better to marry someone you understand than someone you merely love. Understanding produces stability, patience, and endurance. Love without understanding produces disappointment, infidelity, and divorce.
The African Approach to Cheating and Abuse
It is naive to expect perfection in marriage. Every relationship faces challenges—cheating, disagreements, financial strain, or even disrespect. But wisdom teaches us to manage crises internally, not in the public domain. Our ancestors remind us that no human being is flawless. Expecting perfection in a spouse is like expecting a mango tree to bear oranges.
Even domestic violence, though condemnable, can often be avoided if couples learn emotional maturity, forgiveness, and communication. Rather than rushing to divorce at the first sign of trouble, couples must remember: “The devil you know may be better than the angel you don’t.” Many divorcees live in regret when they realize their first marriage was far less problematic than the relationships they ran into later.
A Brotherly Word to Our Women
Dear sisters, let me speak from the heart:
Respect is the greatest need of a man. Never make a man feel foolish for loving you, even if he is struggling financially.
Stop competing with men, especially your husband. Marriage is not a contest.
Character matters more than beauty. Ask yourself: “If I were a man, could I marry someone with my character?”
Don’t chase men you can control. Look for men you can respect, honor, and build with.
Change yourself, and you will attract the right partner.
African tradition teaches that the woman is the nurturer and the man is the protector. This balance is not oppression—it is partnership. A woman who seeks to dominate her husband will only destroy the union.
Our mothers must raise daughters to be good mothers and wise wives, not just beautiful brides. Let us reject Western ideologies that glorify arrogance, pride, and individualism—ideologies designed to dismantle the African family structure.
A Word to Men
Brothers, leadership in marriage is not dictatorship—it is service. True African manhood is seen in sacrifice, protection, and provision. Do not misuse your authority to abuse women. Instead, lead with love, humility, and integrity. Remember: respect is earned, not forced.
Marriage is not for children. It is for men and women who are emotionally, mentally, and spiritually mature. It is not about wealth, beauty, or status—it is about understanding, sacrifice, and endurance.
If you are not yet ready to forgive the worst offense, do not marry. If you cannot commit to patience and tolerance, remain single until you are ready. But if you are prepared to live, love, forgive, and endure, then marriage will become one of life’s greatest blessings.
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This message is not just personal advice—it is a call for us, as Africans, to return to the values that once made our families strong and our communities unshakable.
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Marriage is not built on emotions—it is built on principles. Love is not how you feel; it is how you decide.
Let us uphold our African values of patience, respect, forgiveness, and unity, and watch our families flourish.
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